 A whole year and a half went by like this, we became so close. I was scared, I didn't want her to be freaked out if she found out that I wanted to be with her. I had to tell her. So I did, I told her that I couldn't help my feelings but that I was in love with her. She said that it was okay and that she would still be my friend even though she wasn't into me like that. Everything continued except now she would flirt with me when we were drunk or high, and she would tell me that if she was ever to hook up with a girl it would be me. This confused me because before she said that she just wanted to be friends. But she kept inviting me over for scary movies and to cuddle and drink wine. She invited me to her family birthday party in September of my Freshmen year of College, and Chris couldn't come because of work. When her family left, she attacked me. She wrestled me onto the bed and then she took out her vibrator jokingly, but she would not let go of me and I couldn't move! She started tickling me and then she was about to stick the vibrator down my pants and I managed to get on top of her and stop her. I wished that I had not stopped her, I wanted it so badly but I didn't want to hurt our friendship. I went away to school a month after that, and that was when everything changed. She was depressed a lot and cut herself and she used to text me like 2 and 3 am that she was going to kill herself. I was worried a lot. She was opening up to me more and more about everything and I didn't wanna know most of it but I listened and I didn't tell anyone about any of it. No one knew that I was up crying all night not knowing whether my friend was alive or dead. No one, not even our friend Dave, who also went to college with me. He had no idea that she was even depressed. He was however, paranoid and jealous that something was going on between me and Emily. He was best friends with Chris and I had become best friends with Emily. That's just how it worked out. But when I eventually came out to everyone, they saw it. They knew that either I liked Emily or that she liked me or that something was going on between us. NOTHING was going on REALLY, at least we weren't having sex like I WANTED to. Anyway, Dave got paranoid that I was hooking up with Chris' girl firned and so he went on my myspace and read a message from her. This message was a huge mistake for him to have read. It wasn't about me hooking up with her, it was about Emily's life, everything in it that made her so depressed. And with that he ruined it. He made her hate me, he made her think that I flat out told him her secret. She wouldn't listen to me that he went through my shit. In her eyes, it was my fault for not deleting the message before Emily lost all trust in me 4 years ago, and has continued to make my life feel like hell ever since. I had been kind of with this girl, Megan. I had only dated her for 3 months and then I broke up with her in September but then we continued to talk and hook up. When I came home for Thanksgiving, Chris invited me over to drink. We were drunk and running around and Emily pulled me under the dining table. "shhh! let's hide from Dave and Chris!" so we hid jokingly because one time we hid under Dave's dorm room bed and instead of him coming in, his roommate did and it was really funny. So we hid under the table and no one came for a while so she looked into my eyes and took the alcohol whipped cream and said let's do body shots. this is when the conversation happened. me(pointing at her): "YOU!!!!!" Emily: "what?" me: "You are such a fucking lesbian when you're drunk!" Emily: "I KNOW!" me: "but REALLY, you're a lesbian you're always hitting on me and flirting with me." Emily: "I KNOW!" So we decided then and there that we wanted to make out by the end of the night. but we also knew that Chris would get mean about it and say she cheated on him with me. When we went upstairs to find the guys they were sitting on Chris's bed. We sat down and the conversation came up, the guys wanted the girls to make out. (for once!!!! seriously this never happened before) I was excited. "Well we cant do anything unless the guys do first, I don't want there to be drama after about it and saying it's cheating."- Emly So the guys started making out hard core! And she pulled me over to her and she kissed me. It was the most passionate kiss of my life! and I've made out with around 40 people give or take drunk nights. She was just so aggressive and in all the right ways, and she bit my lip and I didn't want it to end. Then we looked over and the guys were on each other. A dick came out and went into the other's mouth. (shit!!!!! we said we would do anything the guys did... and I was still a virgin when it came to girls. I was saving myself for the right girl. What went through my mind is... this is the right girl. Emily was ALWAYS the right girl.) We started to kiss each other a little bit and then we went down on each other after I convinced her finally to take her clothes off, she was embarrassed because she also had never been with a girl. Then it became an orgy and everyone was all over everyone. whole time all I could think about was how much I wanted it to be just me and Emily. 2 days later, Emily and Chris got engaged. She has not considered me a friend since Thanksgiving. She told me that the whole time we knew each other, she just pretended to be my friend. What do you think? With everything in here it looks to me that we were good friends. I know it's time to let go of her, I already have but in a way I hate these memories because they make the present hurt so much. |
Friday, February 3, 2012
love or lose
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment